Twas the Night Before Burning
by The Quartet
Summary: Guru Albus, Preppy Rose, and Scorpius the Clueless talk to Headmistress Brown's portraits: Emo Dumbles, Grandma Minnie, and a Punk Rocker named Sev. Short Parody. WE LOVE REVIEWS!


Disclaimer: I am JKR!! All bow down and worship me!! (cops pull up in the drive way) Uh, well... OK FINE! NO I do not own the wonderful world of HP. Happy?!

Summary: Three confused kids, Guru Albus, Preppy Rose, and Scorpius-the-clueless, talk to the portraits of Emo Dumbles, Grandma Minnie, and a Punk Rocker named Severus.

Headmistress Lavender Brown took off her magenta glasses, let down her hair, and sat down at her desk, across from three standing students, and said, in a voice that resembled that of a bad electric guitar player: "Children, DEARS. Your head of house, Sprout, a _dear_ friend of mine, I recently helped her break the record for tallest cabbage plant in the History of the Magical Community, has reported to me that both of you nearly killed fellow student, James Potter, by setting a horde of angry centaurs on him. Is this true, DEARS?!"

Rose sat on the desk and repainted her nails, a shining shade of her favorite pink, and opened her mouth. "Well, like, omg, he's like sooo nerdy, and, you know, like, he tried to play a, like, prank on us, and, like, he destroyed my Shakespeare book, so, like, I had to like punish him like yeah, like ommygawd!!"

Al nodded, and smiled at a portrait of a man in eccentric purple robes and half-moon glasses. "Yes." He sat cross-legged and raised his fingers. "Truth, it is the Path, the way to enlightenment, Rose. You have found your path with your honest wisdom." He smiled, closed his eyes, and started humming.

The third boy rolled his eyes and rubbed the blonde mass on his head with his right hand. "Yeah. Totally. What they said." He sat down and Rose starting stroking his hair.

Lavender nodded. "Well, why don't you three just stay here; I have to go get the details from Sprout."

The black-haired boy nodded. "Yes. Your Way is clear. Seek Guru Sprout, and open your heart to her wisdom."

Poor Lavender put her glasses back on and shook her head. Just as she walked out, a strange sound came from a portrait on the wall.

"FEEL!! DA BEAT! FEEL DA LIFE!! YEEAAEAE!! OH, HIT IT BABY, ROCKIT GOOD!! FEEL, FEEL DA LIFE, MAAN, FEEL **DA LIFE!!"**The source of this noise grabbed an electric guitar he was holding and threw it at the crowd. "**_DA LIFE!! YEEAAEAE!!"_**

Wise Al nodded. "Yes. Rock, a diversion to the Path. Only by clearing your mind can you achieve enlightenment."

The picture on the wall spoke again. "A diversion?? NO! IT IS THE **WAY!! !!** FEEL IT! _BE_ IT! **BE DA LIFE!!"**

Al shook his head. "Peace. Meditation. Only through good Karma can you find the path."

Rose, who had just finished painting her nails, nodded. "Yeah, like ommygawd, totally! Life, the Path, Like, is hot, ya!!"

Another man in a portrait turned to his comrade. "Da life. Yeah. I want it to end. The path can't work for me. Buddha probably hates me. Everyone does." He took a butter knife and ran the blade across his arm. "I suck. Life sucks. Ah, the sweet sensation of _pain_."

"Good. The path, a way to enlightenment, physical suffering can cleanse the soul." He knelt next to the portrait and placed his arm under it. "Emo Purple Guy, do I have the honor of taking you as a disciple?"

"No. You hate me. Everyone hates me. The Path can't help me now. I don't **want** the Path. I want to get lost and DIE!!" The man in the portrait ran the blade across his arm again, this time harder, and made a bright red line, but didn't bleed. "LEAVE ME TO DIE!!"

Al put his hand across the top of the portrait, right above the emo man's head. "Oh, thy Emo One. The Path is much better than death. It is _enlightenment_. What is your name, One of Emo Thoughts?"

"I DON'T DESERVE A NAME! But, yeah, I have one. It is Albus Dumbledore, the Sucky One Who Screws EVERYTHING UP AND SHOULD FALL IN A HOLE AND **DIE**!!"

Albus Potter blinked. "And to think I was named after you. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Oh well, we shall put aside our differences and embark on the journey to ENLIGHTENMENT!!"

"And I", added a voice from the other picture, "shall ROCK YOUR WORLD while you are on your journey. FEEL IT, DUDES!! LET IT MOVE YOU!! LET IT CONTROL YOUR _EVERY MOVE!!_ ROCK IT, BABY, **ROCK IT!!**"

Al stared at the punk rocker in his picture for a long while before saying, "And what would be your name?"

After making a very loud chord on his guitar, he answered, "Sev the Snape, the Half-Blood-Prince, THE LEAD GUITAR GUY IN **_THE SNAKE!"_**

Scorpius rolled his eyes, wishing the Headmistress would come back soon. This was driving him mad. Rose seemed to be ignoring the whole thing and had started reapplying her eye shadow. Albus, however, looked thrilled.

"So I was named after you too, huh? Oh well. This is just wonderful! There is always room enough for more souls to follow the path to enlightenment." He held his arms out to the sides and said, "Friends, it is an honor to be embarking on this voyage with such eager disciples as you! Prepare to cleanse the mind, body, and spirit of evil!"

At that moment, Lavender came back into the room, this time with a smug James Potter. 'You guys are ssssoooo dead' he mouthed as he let himself fall into a chair.

Lavender seated herself behind her dark wood desk and looked sternly at the trio in front of her (or as sternly as one can look wearing a light pink and purple robe with daisies on it).

"Explain." She summoned her glasses and placed them back on her nose. _"Well?"_

Not realizing what was going on, Al smiled at her. "At last. One who is Curious about The Path. The Path is the soul's quest for enlightenment: cleansing the spirit of sin and evils, attachment and greed. There is always room for more because purity and goodness has no bounds: anyone can leave on this journey; there is room for infinite persons to disco--"

"Enough!" Headmistress Brown stood, knocking over her chair. "I am disgusted with all of you! You have disregarded the rules and contaminated the ancient halls of this institution with your cruelty to a Prefect and a Gryffindor, and shall be punished! You shall be serving detention with me tomorrow after dinner. All of you shall report to me at seven and will be cleaning these portraits without magic until dawn the next day, when you will change into ballerina costumes and burned at stake after the Quidditch match. I shall give you one hour tomorrow to spend time with loved ones and say your last goodbyes…

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